However, there was a feeling that I had before that caused me to be aware of a day like today. I felt like there was a demon ‘leach’ attached to my heart and was sucking the life out of me. This demon leach made me weak and unhappy. It took away my focus and I just couldn’t be happy, but every night I still continued to pray. I prayed that whatever was bothering me (at the time I didn’t know what it was) to go away. Today when I woke up, I was seriously weak. It felt like everything inside of me had been sucked out during the night. I only got around three hours of sleep so I thought it was me just being tired but I couldn’t have been farther away from the truth.
Even in the darkest of times I still struggle to make my faith known. These last three months haven’t been easy on me and for the first time, I find myself on my knees trying to handle the suffering. When I pray and my world is crashing around me, it takes EVERYTHING I am just to say to God, “I will still Love you Lord! I will still Love you!” I trust God 100% because when I trust man, things don’t normal go too well for me. With God, I don’t fear man, when I trust God I can feel joy through pain. So when I said that I trust in God 100% there is no slag, there is no doubt in my heart that God is watching my back. However I still have a lot to understand before my faith is rooted strongly in God’s heart. All I understand so far when it comes to life crashing around you (even when life brings you clear blue skies and sunny days) God is in control.
When I entered into church the moment we started singing the first song, I felt something hit my armor. Even though spiritually I felt drained, my armor was still as strong as ever. The armor of God doesn’t rely on physical strength to wear it; it’s all about your own choices. If you chose not to wear the armor that’s cool, go right ahead. But I guarantee that the flaming arrows of the evil one will feast on your open skin. My armor was protecting my heart, and although no blow was strong enough to break through to my flesh, it still hurt…and I wasn’t just battling one demon I was battling three. Because the Armor of God doesn’t rely on physical strength to wear, the battle doesn’t rely on it either. I could be the physically strongest person in the world and not stand a chance against the three demons. This is a whole new playing field.
Alone I could never defeat these demons, with my guardian angel maybe defeat one (not by my hand though), but with God (HA!) nothing can stop me. In church I was being hit hard by these little demons, I couldn’t stop crying and my friends were freaking out. I fought my hardest and I know my Angel did too, but it wasn’t until cried out did God give me what I needed in order to win. I know that God will never cause his children to suffer; in fact, Jesus (who was 100% God) suffered just like us. God would never tempt us; however, he will test us. I do believe that God would have come to my aid regardless if I asked or not. But I understood that I COULD NOT do this on my own. I believe what God was looking for was how much I really trust him and without hesitation I cried to God “I will still Love you Lord, I will still love you!”
Right then, I felt bits and pieces of joy returning to me. The demons are gone but I guarantee that they will be back. I’m not completely rid of all my pain and suffering but I’m getting better, and I know that God has rewarded me for my trust in him. When church was over, Rachel gave me a ride to my car. I opened the door and sat in, just before closing the door I saw a piece of paper one the windshield. I grabbed in and sat in my car. It was an envelope and on the front was written To: Arielle From: Jesus (For CNA license) and when I opened it, there was three hundred dollars in cash! I couldn’t believe it, I still kind of don’t. When I told Rachel and my little sister Katie about it, they couldn’t believe it either.
Rachel said that someone must know how generous I am. I have never viewed myself as generous; I just don’t view money as an important asset. I don’t need money to be happy so usually if I have it I’ll give it to someone who asks/needs it. I never really thought that people pay attention to stuff like that, and I didn’t really know that I did it myself. The only other outside thing I do is support a little girl in Nicaragua so she can have a chance at life. But my friends broke it down for me. I offer to drive places so my friends can save gas and don’t charge for gas, I offer to pay for extras things when we go out to eat, sometimes I pay for meals, I let my friend ‘go shopping’ in my closet and don’t charge; the list goes on and on with more than just two people. Not only that but I give up my time for some people. I can promise you I don’t do it for the recognition, more because well…Jesus said to.
When I trusted in God I was rewarded, when I serve God, which is its own reward. Now I’m not going to expect this every time, I didn’t even expect it this time. I guess it was God reassurance that his is watching over me and he does hear prayers. I pray for you, my friends, to turn your hearts to God. No matter what you’re struggling with God isn’t going to leave you. Remember if you want God to help you, you have to trust that he can help you. That he is loving, kind, gentle and wants to protect you for harm, and trust me when I say this. Just like a father, when someone is hurting his child, he doesn’t stand for it and he will come help you. God Bless (literallyJ)!
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