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| I'm Not That Different...just goofy! |
Well there is a shocker there. I’m not that different for
any other person. I like to sleep more than I like to study, I love to hang out
with my friends and spend time with my family. And sometimes if I’m not
careful, I’ll put deodorant marks on my shirt when I put it on. I’m not that
different, but that also means that as a human I also have dark secrets.
Secrets that I’m required to keep to myself because I fear them, just like
anyone else. But, like I’ve written before, secrets keep us shackled. And the
more I’ve uncovered these secrets to the outer world, the more I realized…I’m
really not that different. Other people go through the same kinds of problems
and face the same kind of mountains. We keep secrets that we feel are so
disturbing it causes us to become mad about what people think about us. Some of
you know some of my more…public secrets. Like the fact that I’ve had sex
outside of marriage and how I feel like that was the worst mistake of my life.
Another secret that some of you may know is that I hate latex for no outright
reason. But if I want to be super honest with you guys and I really want to
believe in what my Blog is about I need to share with you something new,
something (for some reason) has me chained down…my darkest secret.
If it isn’t scary enough that I’m about to tell you my
deepest darkest secret but I’m also telling you what I’m doing about it, you
know, to not let it take over my life. In November of 2012 I tried doing the
dumbest thing I could…I tried to kill myself. Yeah, I know. Kind of a lot to take
in, but it’s the truth. I had reached a moment in my life where I thought I couldn’t
escape. A dark place where I thought was nothing else to live for. I was (or
what I thought) betrayed by friends, alone, struggling with issues that I thought
no one else has ever dealt with. Thankfully, however, I couldn’t go through
with it and I went to find help. I was admitted into a hospital for about six
days where I found out that my life is pretty good. Some of the people in that
wing with me had real issues. Addicted to substances and alcohol, anger and
emotional issues that left them unable to function in society, some people had
lost everything and couldn’t see the light anymore. I came to the realization…I
don’t belong here.
After that I was diagnosed with ‘manic’ depression.
Meaning I’m usually in a really down-in-the-dumps mood and it’s really hard for
me to get out of it. Sometimes my depression can get so bad that I start seeing
and hearing things that isn’t there. It’s scary stuff and thankfully I’m on
medication that helps me fight against my depression. It took a while for me to
accept the fact that depression is my new reality…my new normal. It was a fight
to take my medication everyday and find things that make me happy. However, the
more I looked at my problems the more I discovered, depression is common. I did
some research on it and it turns out…everyone get’s depressed at one time or
another. It’s our ability to bounce back that make us so special. I just didn’t
have the ability to bounce back, but for the first time in a while, I felt
normal. As I kept researching about depression I realized that we all face
different battles and mountains, but some of our struggles (a lot of them actually)
are similar.
This is where my spirituality comes into play. Look at it
this way, God is the creator; he is the one that made everything. He is the one
that holds all the original ‘creative ideas’ and it’s through him where our
creativity comes from. The devil isn’t God; he can’t think of a creative ideas,
nothing about the devil is original. So when we battle issues, there is bound
to be someone out there that has gone through the same thing. The devil can’t
be original meaning that no matter how lonely we feel there are others fighting
the same battle. That’s great news! “The greatest lie you have ever been told
is that you’re the only one to go through this alone.” – Superchick. God is
creative, that’s why when we experience him, and it’s in a way that no one else
can feel. It’s just for us; it’s all about our relationship with him…very
personal.
I’m no different by any means, I struggle like most people,
I have issues that I need to deal with and I come face to face with mountains
that I sometimes think are too big to climb over. But the thing that really
helps me get through this is that the God of heavens and earth will look down
at me and bless me with love and grace. I’m not that different friends, I guarantee
most of you have faced the same struggles that got me into the hospital and you
were able to do something that I couldn’t at that moment in time, fight back.
Let me pray for you friends, that when you come to those
points in your life when it seems too hard to go on or it seems hopeless that you
will find comfort in the God who what’s to give you everything. I pray that you
are able to fight against the devil and his lies that he may tell you and that
you are a beautiful and wonderful creation to the Father of Heaven.
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