As some of you may know I am currently on a one year “break” from dating boys. No dates, no very personal conversations on the phone or texting, no very personal kind of anything except for the title of friends and maybe even good friends. Some of you think this year is stupid and a good waist of this twenty year old woman’s life. Some of you find this year as a joke and some don’t think I can do it and I’ll just keep slipping up. Only a handful of people find what I’m doing to be very brave and fulfilling, but they have also seen the cost in damage I have done to myself in the past that lead me to this choice.
On July 6, 2009 I was set free from a life that almost destroyed me. The girl back then and the girl now have one thing in common…we live at the same address. My life forever changed because God finally broke through to me. But this year is 2011, and the devil works even harder to make his temptations just a bit sweeter for me. Yes, I admit I’ve fallen for some of them, sometimes I knew I was and sometimes I didn’t know until after the damage was done. But now I can feel that girl I once was returning and this time I know if I fall back into that lifestyle, I won’t make it out.
In order to prevent something like that life from happening again I had to find the common denominator of my struggles. I know 99.9% of my sin is because I fall short and mess up. However, the question remains in me…what is the temptation I was falling for the most? One answer rose higher than the rest, my biggest struggle that a lot of my other sins feed from is my struggle with my human counterpart…boys. I prayed and prayed asking God what he wanted me to do and in November of 2010 I heard him say that 2011 would be HIS year.
On January 1, 2011 I gave God a promise that this would, in fact, be his year. And on January 12, I consciously made the decision of walking out of the promise. I chose to break that promise, and I was filled with guilt that consumed me until February, 15 when I asked God for Grace as well as a new promise that my year would start over on that day because this is something that I need. But I still struggle and at times I’ve almost slipped up. But what makes it so hard for me to stay faithful to this promise? I asked this question to myself while putting on a popular men’s deodorant called Axe…
Now for anyone who really knows me, they understand I’m not the definition of a ‘normal’ girl. I’m more muscular than most girls, I enjoy playing hardcore sports rather than shopping, I like the color brown and green over pink and purple any day, and I’m just now starting to understand the function of a purse rather than just carrying everything I need in a wallet. But for those of you who don’t know me too well, I wear men’s deodorant because it last longer and protects better than woman’s deodorant that just makes you smell good. But I will say, I do enjoy the smell of the Axe and before this year started, I enjoyed this smell particularly on men.
I’m not going to lie; sometimes I wonder why I did this one year. I’m finding out that I’m more attractive than I ever relied because I’m getting more offers than I have ever gotten before. And it’s hard, it’s hard for me to say no. For the first time in a while, men have been coming up to me with wild offers that before I would have jumped on. But this year instead of falling in love with a man I find my heart chasing Jesus, everyday. Every day I long to be held by Jesus and talk to him about everything, even ask for advice and have a better relationship with him. I can’t help but hope and pray that whomever God is making for me would be just like (or really, really close) to the way Jesus is treating me. To Jesus, I’m a Princess.
Let me just get this out of the way now…I am NOT attracted to Jesus, meaning I DO NOT think about him romantically. For some reason when I tell people I’m falling head over heels in love with Jesus they think that I’m sexually attractive to him. That isn’t the case at all! The relationship is based on a deeper love called Agape, unconditional love. Nothing will happen to me that will ever separate this love that I have for Jesus. I love Jesus because he makes me stronger, he’s always around me and no matter what I face, and he is always fighting with me. For the first time in my life (and from now on) I am not alone.
This deep of a relationship builds my trust and through trust comes faith and identity. It took me a while but I finally found the base of my identity. Jesus Christ. When my identity is rooted in Christ, my relationship with him grows stronger but I’ve noticed some other changes in myself, primarily with my personality. It was my friends that were the first to noticed, I became softer, sweeter, friendlier. I became more compassionate and forgiving, and it seemed all my old habits began to die. They found my company enjoyable and appropriate and they started treating me with more respect.
Now with my identity with Jesus, this means I get the added bonus of the Holy Spirit living inside of me around the clock. I love the direction my life is heading in, I want people to be able to witness through me just what Jesus can do with a heart. I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit I don’t need to breathe at night. I want people to understand that God isn’t just some mystical being a million miles away in space but He’s right here, next to you, even dwelling inside of you. I want the Holy Spirit to become my new “Axe” sent, and that people can say they ‘smell’ the Jesus-sent on me. I want my faith and identity to grow so strong that I legit smell like Jesus.
I call the new sent Jesus Musk and I want it. However just like all other fragrances this comes at a price. Not going to lie, it’s hard to be a Christian. But I have become so unconcerned about the worries that are on this world, that my drive to have Jesus is so strong, I’m willing to give my everything to him. This is new sent couldn’t have come at a better time, during my one year. I want to be so in love with Jesus that my future husband can smell the Jesus Musk on me, and hopefully vice-versa.
Let me tell you this my friends, the longer you keep your gaze fixed on the Lord, the more you’ll discover how much he loves you. When you discover his absolutely perfect love and the fact it was meant for you, there is no hurt or heartbreak; there is no frustration or anger; there is no imperfection or worthlessness; there is no shame or guilt. Friends, his love is so perfect that anything you have ever done doesn’t matter anymore, He is just happy that you looked towards him. Trust me, he knows how hard it is to live on earth, Jesus has done it before. But also remember that he conquered this earth and through him, we have inherited it.
My prayers are still going out to all of you, know that you are dwelling in my heart and know that you are also dwelling in God’s heart. God Bless!
“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make know the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.” ~Ephesians 6:18-20
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